What can i say. Things arent really looking up for me right now. I dont know anymore, i really dont. These past years i feel like a part of me has just died. I feel like i have no ambition anymore, im losing faith in life. Faith that has kept me going. Ive lost faith in humanity first off. Wars going on, people killing for no reason, losing people to drugs, and things of that sort. People seem to have just taken what they have and thrown it down the drain, and right now it feels like im doing that too. Ive lost touch with my inner-self and it frightens me that i will never be able to find it again. Ive crippled my ability to think logically and intellegently because of my own inability to cope with problems. Smoking both cigarettes and weed has clouded more than just my mind. My life is up in smoke right now with the wind blowing in every direction, spinning into a vortex of lies, deceit, and more problems.
Loniless has creeped its ugly little face back into my life. People say it is better to lost love than to not have loved at all, but has anyone ever given advice on how to just be friends with someone you love. Its been almost 3 years now and somehow i always seem to fall back. All of those same feelings are coming back, all of them. Now seeing her fall for a guys that is like me hurts down deep. I know i wont get that second chance, and i know that she is looking for someone that is best for her, but it hurts still. I want to move on because she has. But for some reason i want her back. I really want her back.


Life is a bitch and living is even worst.

Its been a stressed out week since last tuesday,. Too many things have happened that its hard to catch even the littlest breather. So lets recap everything that has happened.

RIP Michael Allen:
I still dont want to believe it. I really am struggling inside with all kinds of emotions. I am still waiting to get a call from him saying "got ya" but at the same time i know that im not gonna get that call. Fish, as we all called him, was part of the crew. He was one of us. No matter what we did or how much trouble we got into he was always there by ourside. Through the thick and thin we all knew that we could count on Fish. Its hard cause i didnt spend as much time with him as i wanted. But still Fish is one of those guys no matter how many times you hang out you always have a good time.

X getting Emo Drunk:
Scary ass time. He started drinking hella early in the day and did not stop until that whole bottle was gone. A bottle of Hennessey. Scary as fuck. Watching him, making sure that we dont get into any kind of trouble, and having to watch every step of the way to make sure he was fine. At one point during the day he stopped breathing. He seemed like he had alcohol poisonning. This fucker better not pull another stunt like that.

Work:
Work as always is stressful. But i did learn how to ring people up so i dont move freight as much anymore.

Weekend Drama:
Fight between friends and i happen to get caught in the middle of it. I hate drama, i hate when friends fight, and i hate when its 2 friends that are still in their high school mentality. Its fucking ridiculous. One did that right thing as a friend and told the other friend that a guy....A FUCKING GUY....doesnt want to be with her anymore. Lets call them Jen and CC. Its so fucking stupid how CC will hold a grudge over her best friend because of the way she was given the information, over the internet. Its stupid. Some people seriously need to grow out of things and get over things.

Linds Father in the Hospital:
And to finally be caught up Linds' dad was admitted into the Cardiac wing of the hospital last night because of heart complications. Today he went through 6 bypass surgeries. Me and X went down to the hospital so we could be there for Linds. She is still having a hard time dealing with all the tubes and wires coming from her dad. It is always a hard thing to see when your a child looking up at a parent and seeing them helpless. As children we see our parents as the invincible being that they are. Then one day, BAM! there they are laying in a hospital bed helpless. Everything in the surgery went well, and he is expected to make a full recovery.


Things dont seem to be looking up in my neck of the woods. Friends hating on friends. Friend passing away. All i can do is look up and see the best in things. I have to stay strong, i have to keep going. If i stop then there is no way for me to get back on the track that i need to be on. All these bumps in the road can only slow me down, but i know if i stay strong others will follow and that will lead me ultimately to what i seek.

How could i let you get away. How could i let something so magical disappear.
Words can only describe the pain that fills my heart, fill my heart with a deep despair. fill it with the dark liquid of sorrow.

In so many ways i wish i knew what to do. Words confused with each passing day. Emotions running wild like a hurricane wind. And like it, nothing will stop it.

Everyday it worsens and woresens. I only just want to feel warm again. Bitter cold has come through the window to put a damper on it all. Warmth returns? Not as long as your away.

Talks mean nothing, hugs are pointless. Life is just plain dull. No excitement, no joy, no happy times. What a waste.

In life, days pass one day at a time.
Its comes and goes without even a single chime.

But we must go on living like the past is just another day.
We must let go and be ok.

Life goes on, day by day bringing new surprises with the rising sun.
Givings us boredem one day, and with the next fun.

Who knows whats in store for those who wait.
A good surprise? Or a lousy date?

Time will tell, things go on, day-by-day we shall one day see.
What life has in store for me.

This is a little something that i came up with in class. Its still a work in progress but here it goes.

This is my melody. Feeling words is what i do. Dont mistake me as a crook because i caused a felony. I just spit words that come to mind from the heart. Words racing out just like a dart, straight and true. Dont even think you got talent, dont try and step to my crew. We'll tear you down word from wor. Make you cry like a sheep from a heard...

Still working on it.

So here i go....expressing what i feel...

I could wake everyday just to see your smile.
I could sleep well knowing that your there beside me.
I can feel my heart pounding, with every hug you give.
Feelings swarm my mind when i hear your voice.
I could walk all day and all night knowing that your so close by.
I wish i could spend the rest of my days with someone so amazing as you.

The stars in the night are as bright as the twinkle in your eyes.
The sun shines bright when you step into a room.
You are 1 in a mil, a special girl in the world.



I wrote this because i love a girl i cant have. I wish that werent true, but theres nothing more than i want for this girl than for her to do what is right for her. I know i must let this one go because i do love her, and love has sacrifices. I sad shes leaving, but i know that its for the best. Heart is swelling with all kinds of emotions, a lot of the mixed. Its hard to say to goodbye, but even harder when that goodbye is to a very close person. Shes leaving in a month and im happy for her, but at the same time i know its going to hurt like it is right now.

"Better to have lost love than to never have loved before."

I let something good go, and now i can never have it again.
It hurts to feel this way, knowing that someone so special got away.
Future talks of hopes and dreams all came to an end.
Piece by piece its coming apart.

Its hard to let something go when you know that it was right. These past few days it been getting harder and harder. It eats away that someone like her has feelings for another. Whats even worse is that the person she likes is playing games. I know its not worth her time and i know that she can do so much better, but it still pains me inside knowing that i can never be on the other side of her love anymore. Things never haunt me for this long but i made a mistake letting her go. I can never get to that trust level with her again to trust me to love her like i did before.

i guess the only thing i can do now is let her go, and if she comes back then i know i wont mess it up again.


Within my heart, my voice cries for you.

Writing sets me free. Free from all the emotions built up during the day, free from all the hate that seems to always be thrown my way, free from all the worries of the world.

I still cant seem to find my way. Ive been home, but i still dont think ive got my feet on the ground. I feel alone again. I wish i had someone that i could talk to to help me understand what is going on with myself and the world that im in. I thought that i could go to a friend, but i dont seem to have that connection with this friend anymore. I wish that i could still talk to her like i use to, but it doesnt feel the same. Im still so very much in love with her, very much. I want to talk to her, i want to hold her, i want her love to be with me again. Right now i know that i cant have it, but i still wish i had it. I still know she loves me, but i dont know if its still that love that i feel for her. Its been 2 years and shes been with other guys, and i know she wants a guy that she can feel comfortable with, a guy who isnt always wanting her attention, a guy like me, but i dont think i will get a second chance with her. She says that it might happen in the future, but i have my doubts. I feel like shes the only one who understands me, and who will only understand me. I wish that things could change and go my way, but thats never happened before. Everything that i have come to know isnt what i think it is. I believe to go with the flow and take things day by day, but i dont know if thats the way to do it anymore.

Im a lost soul searching an endless abyss for something that is unknown.

I have got to listen to my own words sometimes. Things that i tell other people to do about lives, i really should start listening to it. Let the past things go because i am here. Don't worry about whats going on at home with another person because i have my own life out here that i should be living up. Wow, things have really been quite interesting.
I tell people to listen to me while at the same time i tend to forget who is telling those people those things. I need to stop, listen for a while cause i can say some things that actually reflect on my own life. I got this little saying now, listen to the words of the wise, and yet i tend to forget it sometimes.

A wise man told me, live and let die. I think its time to do that for real.

"When things seem to be looking down, remember the words that you have told yourself, 'look deep inside and forget all. Start anew and be renewed.' Once you remember those words, then the your world will flip it right."

I try and i try, but i just cant seem to find.
I look and look, but there is nothing there for me to find.
I wish i had some sort of fighting chance to find what i came to find.
I wish there some clue to help me on my way.

The pain i feel, is too intense to feel.
The hurt in my head over takes all that i can think.
The shattered pieces of my heart stab my once whole soul.
I cannot feel, i cannot think, all i see is nothing.

Never want to leave your sight...
Not even if there is a fight...
Always wanna hold you, till the day passes away...
Always wanna be with you, even if things go astray...

Wondering where we will go when the time we have is up...
Looking at life through an empty cup...
Wondering where we'll be in 4 more years...
Telling our lives to get into gear...

What people dont know about me...
I am mysterious, but still reveal myself.
I am cautious, but i like to take risks.
I have a dark past, but learned all that i know from it.
I don't know who i can be, but have seen what i can do.
I have an intellectual mind, but have trouble in school.
My only vice is that i am too nice.
I am strong, but not overpowering.
I have a sense of humor, but don't think a lot of things are funny.
I am artistic, but few people see it that way.
I have questions, but don't ask them.
I have answers, but few people hear them.
I have a heart, but don't use it.
I have a soul, but can't let it out.
I cannot trust a lot, but if you prove it i can trust you.
I am open to anything, but have closed off thoughts.
I have a problem talking to people, but am not afraid to tell you off.
I stick to what to i believe, but don't believe a lot.

I am what i am, who are you?

Darkness all around, surrounding my soul...
Seeking the light that once brightened my way...
It closes in fast, faster than light, making me blind...
But a shimmer of light, walks down my path...
Holding my hand, guiding me...

The light is too bright to see who you are...
But i can feel the tender soul, and the heart of gold...
Thats leading me away from the darkness that is soon to engulf...
An angel that leads my soul from the depths of hell...
Only to vanish in a blink of an eye...

Or so i think, that the angel has left...
But i still feel the tender touch of a hand in mine...
Holding tight, never to let go...

This is my sunrise, my angel, my love...
Who walks a path like me...
But is now not alone...

My thoughts laid out on a sheet of paper can only last for so long. Once that paper is torn, shredded, burned, or wet then the memories that were once on it are now lost in the pages of time. But to have those memories imprinted into something so sacred, so holy that God himself will always remember those memories. Im talking about the memories of your first love, your first kiss, your first child, your first lost, anything in your life that is a first. Those are the sacred memories that i am talking about. Nothing in this world can ever take away any of those memories for they are imprinted in the depths of your mind and will always live on. After death and into the next life those memories will always stick with your soul. Thoughts without reasons, people who shouldn't mean a thing, mean the world to you. These are the memories that i am talking about. Memories that are imprinted in your soul and move from one life to the next. We may say that these are just deja vu scenes, but they are actually memories from your souls past relived in the current physical body. These memories are the only thing that keeps the soul going because without anymore memories the soul itself will be satisfied and finally find its peace.

The way that the sky brights up with such little light in the morning..
The way she calls me and doesnt like to be on the phone...
How at dusk everything seems so much calmer..
How one person can inspire a world to change their hearts and minds...

What amazes me is that i have the courage to fight a battle within myself, but knowing in my mind that i can never win...a battle with the past and a battle with what i can do...
What amazes me is that i have not given up on the people that i love and truly care about...even though my friends have lost all touch...
What ammazes me is that there is someone out there that has the power to put me to my knee...but can never take away who i can really be...
What amazes me is how one person can capture my heart with such a gentle touch...but im too scared to let it go...
What amazes me is that i am still here, living, breathing, and walking...with a past that has taken so many before...
So what does it take to amaze me some more...

When things start to head down in my life i turn to my words to keep me going...who ever thought that a person like me, a person who despises writing is actually really good at putting his thoughts out on to a piece of paper, or on the web journal. Its weird to think that ever since things changed in my life i have written them down either through a poem or just random words. It amazes me that not only are the words that come out of my mouth can articulate thoughts that people can actually understand and analyze to their own meanings, but also make people see things in their life that they have never thought about before. People have changed because of the carefree words that seem to penetrate through their minds and into their hearts. Words are just words until the mind speaks on them...and what that means is that words only have a meaning when people give it a meaning. there is more than one way to interpret words, so everyone is right in their own way. But don't mistake those words for other things, because once that happens then the whole world as we know it will come crashing down like the final battle between the devil and god. there is no doubt about it that it will happen, we see it in our everyday life. The people that are suppose to support and care for the well being of the community and its people are off doing things that we see as wrong. The fight for the truth is coming to and end because of people shoving lies and untruths into the months of the people. Who can we trust, who can we look to? The only answer we can get from that is that we can find the truth in a place where not a lot of people would figure out. The truth is we can find all the answers in one place and one place only...but in order to do that we have to believe. If one cannot see that the truth lies in your heart, then there will always be turmoil, destruction, and chaos. When people finally see the truth they will believe that everything that mankind has done will bring them down. All the weapons, structures, and beliefs all lead to one thing...our destruction. I know that sounds harsh, but when you really think about it, religion has its faults. Beliefs are fine, but to structure those beliefs in people who have their own ideas will always end in ways that we think horrible. But this is all i have to say and its everything in a nut shell...

The pain that i feel is immense.
Heart cracked into bits and pieces over a cold burning flame.
No heat anywhere to keep the body from pulsing.
Wearing emotions on my sleeve.
Too hurt to hide away in my jungle of thoughts.

It happened so quick, no time to embrace the on coming hit of emotions.
No time to brace myself for the truck about to run me over.
I should not have let my guard down soo quickly...
Now i feel the pain settle in my once whole heart, but now is a shattered mess of a world.

There are times in our lives where we want nothing more than to die.
There are times in our lives where we want nothing more than to live.
Right now in my life, there is nothing more than i want.
I have been given all the things that i have ever wanted, all the things that are suppose to make me happy.
Not material objects, or the most money in the world.
I have been given a family that is loving and caring. I have been given friends from high school that will always be there for me. I have been given a family away from family. And now i am hoping that i have found a person who has given me the ability to trust again, love again, and care again.
People may have the money or the power to live a happy life, but i have something better than them.
I have friends, i have family, and i have a life that is worth living because of the people that surround me.
I have found my true happiness.

I cut to get scars. I scar to remember the mistakes that i made. People tell me to talk to other people, but people can lose their memories. People say write it down, that can be erased. People say put it in their computers, computers crash.
So i cut to scar. I scar to remember the mistakes i made, cause i know that it will be with me forever...the only thing that i can have with me to my grave.

So life has been a real drag lately. I have had all my emotions laid out on my sleeve. Everything that i thought was what i wanted has gone completely wrong. I have talked to people that i havent talked to in a while and they put some sense into me. I know i should listen to them, and this time i am going to. I cant let things get to me head because they'll just bring me down.

After long talks with a couple people, i have figured that i have made a mistake again that i said that i would never do. But i failed to come through with that again. So that is why i will always remember this mistake because it has been a real big problem in my life.

I was listening to this song just now and it brought back a lot of good memories...Just to sum it all up for me it was junior year around spring break that it was good...THE Original POSSE.
"Best Of Me"

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunication
and misunderstandings
and missing each other too
much to have had to let go

we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont
feeling that we cant
we're not ready to give up

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up


All the good times roll by, as we get older they get better...as a saying goes.